Modern Austen's Guide to Breakups
It's one moment in your life. Now get over it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that at least one romantic relationship in your life will end in heartbreak. Sometimes you’ll do the breaking, sometimes it’s your heart that will be shattered. This guide is for the latter, to help you work through the pain & learn to put yourself out there again.
If you accept breakups as a perfectly natural part of finding love, you’ll recover from the pain the unfortunate incident has caused much more quickly. Even better: You’ll know what you want (& don’t want) from your next relationship.
Burn the gifts, letters, & trinkets that plague you
As Harriet Smith will tell you, almost anything your beloved touches can be a most precious treasure. Whether it’s a gift they explicitly gave you or just a piece of court-plaister they were using to dress a wound that you stole away in secret, we tend to imbue these things with an unhealthy amount of meaning. These treasures bring happiness when you’re together (or, in Harriet’s case, when deliriously pining from afar), but they always make you wretched when you break up.
Burning these treasures that come to symbolize a relationship can be cathartic & empowering after a breakup. This grieving period when you hardly recognize yourself is no time to be holding onto an ex’s court-plaister or reading through old love letters. I recommend burning everything.
A fireplace would be convenient. If you don’t have a fireplace, go outside and light a match. You can even invite friends over to make it ritualistic.
How long after a breakup you should wait to burn your treasures is entirely up to you. An hour may be too soon for some, & too long for others. Harriet had to wait for enough time to pass (& for Mr. Knightley to distract her) before she could part with the reminders she kept of Mr. Elton.
“It seems madness! I can see nothing at all extraordinary in him now. I must get rid of every thing. There it goes, and there is an end, thank Heaven! Of Mr. Elton.”
— Emma, Chapter 40
Go away for a few months, preferably with a kindhearted aunt & uncle
When your ex-beloved shuts up their house & abruptly leaves town with their best friend & evil sisters, & the only word you receive on the matter is in a letter sent weeks later by one of the less-than-enchanting sisters, it’s time to get away for a few days, or several months if you can.
Stay away from any destinations where you might run into your ex, unless you have some kind relations, like the Gardiners, to keep your mind off your old flame.
If it wasn’t for the Gardiners of Gracechurch Street, poor Jane’s sorrow over not seeing Bingley & learning of Caroline’s duplicity while she was in London would have been much more acute. For, of course, part of the appeal of staying in town was the hope of running into the Netherfield party again, & picking up where they left off.
“Change of scene might be of service—and perhaps a little relief from home may be as useful as any thing.”
—Mrs. Gardiner, Pride & Prejudice, Chapter 25
Surround yourself with loved ones to help ease the disappointment
If your mother is not Mrs. Bennet, then spending time with your family could be the salve to heal the sting of disappointed love.
When General Tilney brusquely orders Catherine Morland to leave Northanger Abbey without a servant to accompany her or any hope of seeing Henry again, it’s the sight of her home that makes the memory of how she was forced to leave Mr. Tilney less painful.
And while Mrs. Morland isn’t fully acquainted with Catherine’s feelings about the Tilney’s, & Henry in particular, she sharply tells her daughter not to fret about trifles or start thinking she’s too big for her own home now that' she’s experienced the comforts of Northanger Abbey.
Tough love from your family can help you see a breakup for what it really is: One moment in your life. Now get over it.
“All [her family] assembled at the door, to welcome her with affectionate eagerness, was a sight to awaken the best feelings of Catherine’s heart; and in the embrace of each, as she stepped from the carriage, she found herself soothed beyond anything that she had believed possible.”
— Northanger Abbey, Chapter 29
If there’s a personal matter you’d like Modern Austen’s advice on, you can send your letters to modernaustenblog@gmail.com. Please indicate whether you’re comfortable with your letter being published, & do use a clever pseudonym.