Modern Austen's Guide to Being Alone
Learn to be alone & like it.
Whether you’re a single or married modern heroine, it’s important for your mental health & well-being to enjoy your own company. But spending time alone can be challenging.
For the married modern heroine, there’s the trouble of her family always being around & demanding her attention; it’s sometimes impossible for her to get a moment to herself. The single modern heroine, on the other hand, tends to have an aversion to being alone &, therefore, seeks constant companionship, never realizing how surrounding herself with people morning, noon, & night distracts her from herself. And for all heroines, there’s still a cultural stigma around being alone & liking it.
We’re led to believe that being alone is sad, lonely, & even unsafe, but viewing solitude in this way is what makes us modern heroines dependent on other people to live our lives.
It’s perfectly sensible for a modern heroine to want to be alone, though it may take time to get acquainted with the idea. You’ll need to start by changing your mindset. I suggest going slow. Spend time alone in small increments before committing to a full day or longer in your own company.
This guide is meant to help all modern heroines learn to live alone & like it.
Schedule time where you have 0 obligations to anyone
Look at your diary—is it overflowing with social engagements or family obligations? Are there openings you’re anxious to fill with some tiresome ball or tea for fear of appearing anti-social? We modern heroines have a tendency to overbook ourselves to avoid being alone. But you’re only keeping yourself from discovering that you actually like it.
Until you’re used to regularly spending time by yourself, start with scheduling time in your diary. Whether you’re blocking off a full day or just a few hours, be sure to label the event something like Me Time or I Want to Be Alone to make it official. If you already know how you’ll fill that time, you can use that activity to label the event in your diary (e.g., Reading, Riding, or Practicing Pianoforte).
Modern tip: Do you keep your diary on a computer or phone? Then set up alerts to remind you that your alone time is coming up. You’ll have no excuse to miss it!
Increase the amount of time you spend alone each week. It will soon feel natural, & you might even feel sorry when you actually have to spend time with people.
Be alone in a crowd
When you have the “elegance of mind” of Anne Elliot or, really, the active interior life of any Austen heroine, it’s easy to find pleasure in solitude when you’re surrounded by people you don’t have to interact with. It’s oddly empowering. Remember: Being alone doesn’t mean you have to avoid the world around you.
Ways to be alone in a crowd
Go to the theatre. Yes, you might stir up some gossip for going to the theatre unchaperoned or unaccompanied, but getting comfortable with being alone is also about learning not to care what other people think of you. I recommend an unfashionable seat toward the back or off to the side, so you not only have a view of the play but the size of the crowd you’re lost in. Plus, it will be easier to slip out unnoticed.
Visit a museum. Can’t find a friend to go with you? Go anyway. You’ll find that visiting a museum on your own allows you to move at your own pace, so you won’t feel rushed to get to the museum cafe or gift shop. Another benefit is that you can make out what you really think of certain paintings & sculptures without someone else’s thoughts clouding your opinions.
Take a tour. Have you ever wanted to feel like a tourist in your own village? See if there are any tours you can take with a group of actual tourists. You’ll get to meet lots of people you’ll probably never see again, & the tour guide will likely notice (take pity) that you’re on your own & talk to you more than anyone else—it's like getting the VIP package!
Hide your phone & stay off social media
Technology makes it nearly impossible to be alone—it makes phantoms of us all, which exist in some digital place rather than this one. When you have your phone close by, you know that you have contacts who are only a text message away. To be alone, you need to disconnect.
I suggest hiding your phone, logging out of all social media accounts, & going for a long walk to forget you have an online presence.
Make it dinner for one
Yes, dining alone can be awkward, but think of it this way: You don’t have to wait as long for a table to become available. And you can enjoy your meal without having to talk between bites. Just bring a book to read while you wait for your food to arrive. Might I suggest something by Jane Austen?
Stay home alone
This might be difficult to arrange if you have a family, but you can take a tip from Charlotte Lucas & encourage your partner to find a hobby that keeps them out of the house for hours. If you have children, a governess might help if you can afford the expense; otherwise, leave them with a childless sister.
For you single heroines, you need to be willing to turn down invitations to dinner parties & balls.
What you decide to do at home is entirely up to you. Catch up on reading. Browse Netflix for something new but end up watching Gilmore Girls again. Cook a large meal for yourself. Whatever you decide, do it with great ceremony.