Dear Modern Austen: What does it mean if I still love my ex?
Modern Austen advises Helplessly in Love on how to fall in love again.
Dear Modern Austen,
I am in love with my ex. How am I supposed to continue exploring romance and dating, or even allow myself to fall in love again, knowing that I will probably never stop loving my ex?
Helplessly in Love
Dear Helplessly in Love,
We all have a tendency to talk of love as if it were a shackle or cage that limits where we can go, what we can do, who we can see. Love always seems dangerous because we so desperately want it but are afraid of the ways it may change us. And no love is more dangerous than one that has ended.
No love is more dangerous than one that has ended.
You’re probably still in love with your ex, I don’t doubt that. But are you able to recognize how your love is different from when you were together? I don’t just mean a difference in the intensity of the love you feel—it sounds like you still love your ex very much. I’m talking about a difference in the shape of your love. A difference in the shade. A difference in you.
Two people don’t just form an attachment because they’re in love; the place & time need to be right for them to get together. Think of all the great characters in literature who couldn’t be together because it was the wrong time & place: Romeo & Juliet, Heathcliff & Cathy. Even Anne Elliot & Captain Wentworth couldn’t make it work the first time around. I’m telling you this because you seem to think love is all that holds a relationship together when timing & having the right mindset are equally important.
Even though you still love your ex, you’ve changed. In your letter, you don’t ask if you should rekindle the relationship. Rather, you ask how you might start moving forward. I don’t get the sense that you want to see your ex again, but there is a feeling of comfort and contentment that you want to hold onto, & so you’re reminded of them.
Memories are dangerous when we try to live in them instead of reality. Helplessly in Love, you need to realize that you’re holding onto a memory of love you once felt. It isn’t the same. You aren’t the same.
When you’re in a place to fall in love again, you will. But will you let that person love you in return? Don’t let the memory of your last relationship shackle you to the past.
Yours,
Modern Austen